Inspiration Appears at 2am

Besides my increased apprehension, C2D2 is off to a rocking start .  Maybe having my appointment later in the afternoon works better.  Or maybe my new anti-N cocktail works a lot better.  Still to be seen.

So I was wide, wide awake from 1 -3am thinking about things but mostly about the fact that I'm awake.  Considered getting up and being productive.  Things like vacuuming which would wake everyone up.  I had already scrubbed the bathroom floor (previous day, not the wee hours), and then maybe working on my mac.  In my head I am darn creative at that hour.  Does it say something very basic (and not very flattering) about who I am that I didn't budge?  

Signs of the Times

First signs of my hair starting to fall out have been noted.  Macy gave a little tug and she had a fistful of my hair in her hand.  And I noticed this morning that my head was starting to kind of ache.  I am thinking I still have a few more days - remember that bets are being accepted for date & time of baldness. 

Beep, beep, beep.  It sounds like I might be done.  

The Waiting Is the Hardest Part

I am actually all hooked up and dripping with the good stuff now.  But it took all day to get me here.  I waited 45 minutes for my blood tests and then the good doctor was running late with a new patient so that took an hour for her to see me and then of course, it takes about an hour for them to get my good stuff all mixed.  

I started out the day totally exhausted and queasy.  I'm pretty sure that's the anxiety.

Judge Dread

Okay - tomorrow is C-day again and I'm quite nervous.  Nervous that they won't be able to give me the treatment because of my sinus infection or low white blood count, nervous I'll get sick again, nervous that I won't be able to drink enough, nervous to eat anything before my appointment, nervous that it will be worse than before.  Nervous, nervous, nervous.   Full of dread.  And I'll have practically the whole day tomorrow to sit and wait for them to start treatment.  My appointment for them to actually start dripping the drugs into my body again isn't until 2:30 and takes about an hour after that before they actually start pumping it in.  Hopefully they'll be able to start it early.  And then we can wait to see when the shedding begins.  If you'd all like to take bets for the date, time, etc I first notice my hair falling out and when it actually is all gone (which I may have to shave it if it is just clumpy) - I will note the time in detail.  If enough people send this to me also (you may all be over the participation I was attempting to develop), I can post it and find some sort of worthy prize for the winner.  A bag full of hair, perhaps?

And I am still figuring out how to use the Mac to create the photo album with all the pictures sent (two).  I am sure it is me, but I can't put text on the photo and haven't figured out how to have more than one song play (of course, with just two pictures, one song is plenty).  Not nagging, not complaining, no more pressure - just the facts.  

Celebrate Life

I haven't much to say this week as I am not feeling the tortured artist and it is just too hot.  Even at 9am.  I definitely won't be writing a self help book after this.  

I'm also giving you all the benefit of the doubt that you will go home this weekend, take some pictures with a bandana on your head, and send it to me.  You will be sending me an entertaining project to work on to keep my spirits up instead of wallowing in my sickly despair.  Maybe I'll buy a bald cap from House of Humor and anyone who comes over to visit can see what they would look like sans hair.  That would also be fun for me.  And I thought after kids it would never be all about me again.  I still get my moments.  Yay.  And then each of you can take a little part harassing those you know who haven't sent me photos (like Sunshine).  

Survivor Stomachs

So, I just caught up on my Survivor.  I needed to go watch it before physical therapy since we discovered we both have the same embarrassing secret.  Yesterday, I ate my first real meal with success so today I thought I'd eat the exact same thing for lunch.  I guess I got a little gluttonous or something because my stomach rebelled.  And I wondered how those Survivors who are starving for a month and suddenly win a food challenge, can shove all that food down their throats with little repercussions.  I'd say perhaps it is the 'uglier' side of reality TV and they don't want to show it but it seems the uglier side is what they are there to show. Uglier and bodily functions don't necessarily equate though.  Didn't we talk about how food is the thing one would relish?  I think about chocolate cake and hamburgers and Dairy Queen Blizzards but the moment of desire is still fleeting and I just don't think it is worth the risk.  I remember CL told me about this guy who was allergic to chocolate and ate this huge cake and the whole drive home he was hanging out the window throwing up.   I picture him with smeared chocolate residue still on his face, the cool air blowing through the window as he weakly told them with a drugged out smile, it was totally worth it. Or at least that's how I remember the story.  I disagree - I'm not risking it (yet).

A-do-rag-rag-rag

Instead of begging everyone to shave their heads in solidarity (and being disappointed), I thought it might be fun if everyone (men, women, children) took a picture of themselves in a chemo cap/do rag/scarf/ head garb and emailed it to me and I could put it in a little slide show on the site. Here's one I took when I had more hair but this style is not long enough to cover the impending baldness in the back. I am relishing my last days with hair so I am not wearing putting anything on my head until I have to shave it off. We'll see if it is more emotional than I project. I keep checking for shedding but nothing yet. I think my new Mac just arrived so this will be a perfect project to break it in.